And so it ended.
Human beings are horrendously complicated I guess. I knew it was coming. I knew it was inevitable. Knew it would not work out. Yet I long for every day waking up and seeing his messages. ‘Well, this relationship has always been over whatsapp, so I think it’s apt’. That’s rather painful to hear, you know?
I miss him more than I have ever done, because vaguely I don’t think we will meet again. I don’t know, he said ‘this world is odd, we might see each other again’. And that hurts, because in your future plan I no longer exist.
I know I said it as if it was his fault, as if it was not mutual, as if I was the victim, that I was dumped. But no, I told him ‘I am not surprised’, and he was surprised.
It was inevitable, yet I went to bed every night hoping to make it last just one more day. It was so frail of a hope. But I did my best. And I did not give up, till the very last moment. I am proud of how far we have gone, and proud of how much efforts I did put in, though it was silly looking back now.
I miss him more than I have ever done. I miss his smirk when he said ‘unacceptable’, or ‘bullshit’. I miss his bare back that I saw first thing in the morning. I miss waking up next to you, I can’t explain what that feeling felt like, but it was somewhere up there, was too good to be true, and I wished I could forever lie next to you under the cover, feel your warmth and kiss your neck. I took it for granted as I always do, and now I am desperate to recall that feeling as if I could lie to myself that everything was just a dream.
What if everything were just a dream? What if I woke up one morning and realise there had never been any James, the James from Salisbury, the witty and smart and funny James from the Phu Quoc days, and the grumpy and depressed James during CFA days, and the tired from work James over the 2 weeks I was there? What if the magic never happened, that we never got a match that day, and that I never met the person I truly loved?
It was love, at least for me. Love is indeed a heavy word, and we were too stupid to force it. But dear Tom cat, I did love you, and I might still do. I don’t know. Whatever it was, it did fade over the 6 months we were apart. I asked you on that night, what was the most vivid memory of me to you, and you said day in Nam, when we were on the bike. Reality hit me so badly that we never made any other special memory that was worth remembering for him. But at the same time, he said ‘why are you upset? It was special, like very special’. And I truly knew that moment was singular and it was magic for both of us.
Was it a bad breakup? No, definitely, because we still talk occasionally, and he is still untalkative often, that sometimes it feels like nothing has changed. Weird that way. I knew it was coming, but I am still deeply sad. It is so bad being extremely emotionally attached to someone, that you would constantly recall the very little details, or fragments, of a huge piece of memory, and you realise how real it feels, as if it was just yesterday, or the day before, that you were still holding him in your arms, but now he is away forever.
It sucks. James, it sucks, and I still miss you so badly…
I won’t beg someone to love me. I learned long ago that there is no use in hopeless pleas of trying to make someone stay. I am too good to chase someone who does not know my worth and I am too wild to keep waiting for someone who doesn’t acknowledge my value. I want to be loved unconditionally. I shouldn’t have to fight so hard for it. I do not have the time to prove to someone that I am worth it. I shouldn’t have to prove any of that; I am worth more than that.
Ming D. Liu, A Story A Day #138 (via mingdliu)“The Minton is my home, the place I want to return after a long and tiring working day. But it is home not because it is an expensive and comfortable place, it is the people that make it home, like Rachit, Chi, and you, Alex”
Home would never be the same without you. Kovan chicken rice would never be the same without you. Swee Choon Tim Sum, swimming pool chit chat, late night walk for Nex McDonalds, our endless arguments resulting from our different perspectives of life, the casual friendly and playful touches, facebook 1-word replies, and so on, would be just among the few things that I would be reluctant to do with anyone else. All of them are stamped on by us, both of us. Memories will fade, emotions will fade, but I will never forget you, buddy, for I could not help being tremendously amazed of how ‘the universe conspired to make it happen’, how we randomly found each other on Tinder and to our surprise, became friends.
If someone ever asks me if I know Alex, I will tell him with my firmest tone, yes, he is my very good friend.
Rachit is leaving. You might be leaving. And Chi is planning on leaving. I would certainly be devastated without all of you.
Just because you weren’t owed anything doesn’t mean there weren’t expectations.
Hence, the successcycle is self-perpetual: The more prepared a person is, the more confident he becomes, which translates into a natural positive mental attitude, which in turn increases his chances of success. You can set all the goals you want, but I can guarantee that you won’t achieve them if you’re unprepared. A positive mental attitude requires preparation, and the two of them work in concert to help you achieve your goals.
Judging from the way most peopletalk and ast, one is led to wonder if a resistanceto reality is genetically programmed into a majority of the human species.
Finally had the courage to try the number 15. It sucked, as expected. Number 14 was simply… too good. And I kept asking myself, what would happen to me if my mind keeps looking for someone like him.
Like, I have been extremely reluctant to meet people recently. No more excitement, no more risk, no more hookup. Just… me, being lazy and tired both emotionally and physically. I came back to Tinder as a last resort. Patiently replied everyone who initiated conversation, and even sent the first message to a few. All the time, I was secretly hoping that I would find someone who has that certain thing, a BANG in mind that would urge me to meet that person right away. But so far there has been none, no one is like… him.
One more dangerous thing is that I have been sticking to Alex on a more-than-daily basis. ‘We have passed that stage that we hooked up and stuff’, indeed, I am well aware that despite the fact that we had sex a couple of times before, now we are just friends, sometimes naughty friends who playfully exchange sensual touches, yet, still just friends. He saved me from the trough I accidentally fell into. He knows that I am extremely emotional and easy to get attached, that explains the distance between us that I could not seem to narrow. Again, it is the feeling of not willing to give in, as I know nothing will be returned.
No one has made me feel the need to give myself away like him. I gave myself away, I made efforts and set aside my big ego to express my feelings and contribute to the 'connection’. It was the security of being guaranteed that I would receive as much. It was just, special, and irreplaceable.
I am tired, desperate and hopeless.
This poem is called “How to kill yourself without hurting anyone”. Don’t.
Neil Hilborn (from A Series of Short Poems)No more hopes. No more expectation. No more being treated like shit. No more being ignored. No more overthinking every fucking night. No more fucking tears.
‘I want to focus on long term goals now. Although you are a nice person, we don’t fit in the long term’.
What a prick coward, man. You did not dare to tell me this before I could not take it anymore, confronted and demanded an explanation from you. Luckily, I have been prepared for the worst. It was that worst case scenario that actually took place. I was heartbroken and devastated at a level way worse than I had ever expected. I felt like I would never be able to trust people again. Never to let down my guard again. He has officially gone, and I am more relieved than ever, as I am now well aware that there is no more kisses to long for. I was stupid, but I simply don’t see the point of regretting anything that I did, though it made me look utterly pathetic and naive.
Better regret over things you did, than things you did not do.
Lesson learnt, karma goes around.
My eyes are tired of crying. My heart is weary of giving. My head is painful of over-thinking. My ego and pride are just too damn high to accept the fact that it was just another casual hookup, that everything you did was just a lie, and that I have been hurt exactly the way I was always scared of and tried my best to avoid. Ya, what should I expect from a Tinder boy, afterall?
Bye, dear.
The way I need you is a loneliness I cannot bear.
Carson McCullers, The Heart is a Lonely Hunter (via larmoyante)I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.
Arthur Rubenstein (via ohteenscanrelate)